Shadow Flight

In a year of many "firsts" without my dad, tomorrow is the first Father's Day since he passed away last year. Consequently, I find myself un-moored, drifting through the Father's Day preparations, wondering just how I'm supposed to behave.

Likely I will call my mother in lieu of the traditional call to my dad, checking in with her, and sharing in her emptiness. I will miss my dad, and in spite of many reasons to be joyful, will probably shed some tears because he is gone.

But, mostly, I will be thankful. Thankful that I had my dad for 52+ years. And not only was he a part of my whole life to this point, but our relationship was strong and meaningful. He was my father first, but also a great friend. He was a wise counselor who was always there when I needed him, and I cherished our bond. When he died, we had no regrets (none of any great consequence), and he knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me.

And I will also be thankful that this legacy is being carried on, knowing that I will spend this Father's Day with 7 of my 8 children, and all 4 of my grandchildren (my oldest, Andrea, would be with us if she could). I feel so blessed that all these relationships are intact, and that we all have learned to so highly value our love for one another.

I feel so blessed because there are so many in the world who do not share my experience, and I am grieved because they are trading true treasures for fool's gold.

The scenario (with minor variances) is all too common: A young man, feeling oppressed by a controlling father, cannot wait until he turns 18 so that he can finally be free to live as he wants. And a father, at his wit's end trying to direct a rebellious son, finally longs for the day he will be free from this responsibility.

Most of the time, what is called an oppressive and controlling father by the son, is in fact a father who, out of love for his son and desiring to help him avoid life's hard lessons, resorts to force and ultimatum because he knows no other way, and the father usually regrets this mistake.

And most of the time, what the father calls rebellion, is an unskilled man-boy who is trying to spread his wings, and is frustrated with his own immaturity and inability to make his father understand. The son, too often, discovers his mistake when it is too late to correct it.

For these, Father's Day is a reminder of what they are missing.

Both of them are right, and yet both of them are so very wrong. Unfortunately, pride prevents them each from giving in to the other, and so they seek an end to the pain by going their separate ways. While this resolution seems to solve the problem, the cost is too great. I know this, because I know what is being forfeited.

So for this Father's Day, I want to give a gift to any son who is currently longing for the day he will finally be out from the shadow of his father's rule, and to any father who has grown weary of trying, and secretly waits for the day he can tell his son, "I told you so." It is the secret to a beautiful father-son relationship that will last a lifetime.

First, for the son: The example you should follow is Jesus of Nazareth, who, though he were the creator of all things, and the Lord of Life, said, "I always do what pleases him.", meaning his father. I know there are some real cases of abuse, but usually fathers love their sons, and want what is best for them. They just perform imperfectly. They are men, after all. They want to do well, but still fail. But if you will give up your own will, and do what pleases your father, his heart will be inclined toward you, and like Jesus you will hear, "Behold my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased."

And for you fathers: Follow the example of the prodigal's father, who, when when his son came back, "...saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." Do not grow weary waiting for your son to mature, but look for it to happen, and when it does, don't make him grovel, but bend over backward to make him glad that he submitted himself to you.

I did not always submit myself to my father as I should have, and I know that I caused him considerable pain, especially in my adolescence. But he humbled himself and forgave me, and was patient with me as I matured, and never gave up on me. I believe he was rewarded for his sacrifice.

Neither was my father perfect. Many times he disciplined me in anger, and occasionally judged me unfairly, but I humbled myself and forgave him, because it was clear he was doing his best, and what he did he did out of love. This small sacrifice on my part has been repaid an hundred-fold.

If you can do this (humble yourself and forgive one another), then you too will find that this small investment was well worth the price compared to the life-long dividends you will reap. And Father's Day will be a time of thanksgiving and not of regret.